Searching for Equilibrium

As a math-chemistry student, my sense of fashion tends to 0 faster than the limit of e^(-x) as x tends to infinity. With an interview coming up, I just had my (expensive!) suit of clothing critiqued by two fashion-expert friends.

I fail.
While there were alot of comments, the consensus was "get a new suit, get hair done by a professional (i.e. expensive) place instead of the local hairdresser", etc, etc. That is not what I wanted to hear, you understand. However, I did understand their points (e.g. jacket was a tad too large because no other store had anything smaller), so I shall look for one tomorrow. The probability of actual purchase is also 0, but as every math student knows, P(A) = 0 does not imply that the event A is impossible. My parents will detest me for wasting money...I feel terribly guilty for spending it in the first place.

On a related vein, I feel as though I am in a static position: I have calculus and (to me) an Extremely difficult algebra assignment due very soon, interview on the same day, midterms next week, many other assignments clamouring for attention, not to mention I REALLY must spend time with every single subject to absorb the material...and I am still stuck in the shocked-I-have-an-interview-can't-concentrate mode. This MUST change, for survival. The problem is, how to effect this change?

The fear of failure drives me through the day-to-day routines, but my heart isn't in it. My heart isn't really in anything right now - all I want to do at the moment is to practice piano or just "slack off". Despite feeling extremely stressed, I haven't really done much in the past few days. What is wrong with me?

Some self critique: squandered much time "working" on assignments lackadaisically, resulting in...little. Also spent much time tutoring other people when I really need time to work on my own assignments. Switching from one task to another, resulting in little work done on any of them. Things barely get done, and only when they are urgent (a very distinction from "important").

Where is my dedication? Where is my passion? Where is the cold, rational, ambitious part of my intellect? Where Is my intellect? They were here last term, however odd that sounds. Where is my willpower, when I need it most? I keep saying to myself: I need to work. Right now. Yet...what have I done so far? Nothing much, really. (Blogging == personal moral support right now, since there never was anybody else I can do this rant to. To pay off the time this takes, I will stay up all night working. Probably.)

Failure is unacceptable - If I fail, this existence is worthless; I might as well end it now.

A plan for tomorrow (i.e. later today):

• Phone hairdresser to cancel appointment, go to lab class, hand in labs, do lab quiz, get out.


• Get hair cut at another place. Maybe, since this is without appointment.


• Mundane things like lunch. Buy a nice folder to go with the nice resume I will print for the interviewer. Go to CS class.


• Go to the freaking mall to look for a freaking decent freaking blazer that freaking fits me freaking perfectly. Spend less than two hours (commuting included) on this endeavour. Can you tell that I am frustrated?


• Go back to residence. Prepare for interview (print resumes, practice questions, etc). Dinner. Finish preparing for interview. Find out which room will I be in, and all last-minute procedures.


• Do algebra, if it isn't done already. Do calculus too, but that's secondary since I should be able to do it fairly quickly.


• Sleep relatively early so I don't look like a red-eyed monster for the interview.

*Sigh*.