People are confusing

Ugh. I should NOT have studied at all for quantum. Should've spent it on complex analysis instead. Modulo stupid mistakes, I'm practically guaranteed a perfect score on quantum. That's not a reflection of my intelligence, but a reflection of a professor's laziness. What kind of lazy @#$^& puts only historical stuff and 1D particle-in-a-box on the midterm? (Wait. I ought to be glad that the midterm was easy. But I'm complaining anyway. Eh.)

Now I'm enjoying my last few days before I get slaughtered by complex analysis midterm marks. I think I will pass. Maybe. It's not even a hard midterm if I know what I am doing like I ought to. Blanked out on the assignment-like problems (embarrassing!) but maybe, just maybe, my derivations aren't too holey and will hold water. Sigh.

Naturally, by "enjoy" I actually mean, study. In this case, for analytical, which isn't hard but will involve a lot of information. My 3.75 cm binder is mostly full and there's still 1/3 of a term left. Maybe I can fit in a calculation or two...I miss them lately.

Anyway, that's not what I really want to write about in this post (if it was then the title would've been a complete non sequitur). Now the rest of this post is probably too personal for most - the reader is hereby given full warning.

In case it isn't obvious, I am a girl. And single. And happy to remain so. As long as my peers respect me, that's good enough; I don't need them to like me. Indeed, I suspect most don't. My chemistry peers probably think that I'm a show-off (I try not to answer too many questions in class now). My math peers probably think that I'm stupid. All with its own reasons.

What's weird is when some people - inevitably male* - show signs of liking me anyway. It's disturbing and unnatural to have someone say that they like to spend time with me, in person and in emails. Way too many emails. No dammit, don't say that, it makes me uncomfortable. It's even more uncomfortable to have someone walk me home - first, I like walking home alone (it lets my mind wander), and second, I don't really want the guy to blather on for hours in my house and waste my time, but feel obliged to be polite and invite him in anyway.

See, if he outright said that he wants to pursue a romantic relationship, that'd be easy - I'd say no, and we go our separate ways (I hope - that's what happened last time, anyway). But he didn't. Then again - if even I notice something like this, there's got to be something to it, right? It's not just me overreacting, given that my understand-people-sensor seems to be inherently defective and bordering on non-functional?

It's not that I find him creepy. He's a nice guy, knowledgeable (and talkative) about his sub-fields of interest. Just...I prefer colleagues, not boyfriends.

In any case, how I feel about the guy is irrelevant. I can't afford to have any relationship that even vaguely approaches being romantic - it's too distracting. My time is already stretched too thinly in the first place - I don't need another complication.

I guess I'm trying to say to myself and to the world at large - I need a lot of personal space, both real and virtual (don't spam my inbox either). More than most people. Just leave me alone**.

*Female friends are hard to come by :(. My circle of acquaintances is almost completely male in character. Sigh.
**Well ok, I like comments on my blog posts. And it's ok to distract me with shiny chemistry or shiny math. Just not when said chemistry or math carries an undercurrent of...people stuff.